Cancer check-ups and reflections on purpose, connection and healing

I had my annual cancer check a few weeks ago. Every year, it’s the same.

As my appointment looms closer, I experience more and more symptoms of anxiety. I struggle to sleep and to focus.

Every year, it’s the same, but something about this year felt more intense than the ones previous.

Maybe it’s because now, compared to the same time last year, I have found something that I was missing before. Namely, purpose and intention.

I cannot express enough how having a purpose for my life has expanded the potential of it. Previously, my perception was so narrowly focused on myself that it was incredibly difficult to truly be present and connected with others.

I did a lot of internal work to shift this.

Firstly, I had to recognise that I was closing myself off. Secondly, I chose to  make the effort to connect with others without the expectation of anything in return.

Previously, I would reach out to someone if I was feeling a need for connection. Now, I reach out in an effort to sustain connection — to let those I care about know that I care about them, no strings attached.

For me, this has been an incredibly healing practice.

Moving countries at a time when most kids are forming life-long connections left me feeling deeply alone and confused. I have no siblings, so I’ve never had a peer to share my feelings with. Not to say that having siblings guarantees that — it certainly doesn’t.

My point is that I have trauma around people rapidly exiting my life (or more precisely, sudden, dramatic, life-altering landscape shifts). This, in part, led me to resign myself to loneliness and purposely NOT connecting on a deeper level so that I could avoid the pain of having to part ways.

I remember speaking to my late grandfather on the phone one time. It was right after I got my cat (best life choice ever), and he was telling me about how one of his cats died. After that, he decided never to have a pet again because he couldn’t face the potential of losing them.

At the time, I thought he was delusional. Now I can see that I was doing the exact same thing.

Life really is a reflection of our perceptions.

Going back to my cancer, I believe this year was scarier than in the past precisely because my life feels so much richer than it did before. The idea of losing it is incredibly difficult and painful to face.

The idea, too, of going through all that stuff again… It is legitimately terrifying to me. It’s not something I would wish upon anyone.

I still feel the emotion of it.

This year, my whole family came with me to the doctor.

I can’t even tell you how much that meant to me.

To feel loved, to feel supported and connected and to love and support in return….

These are the true gifts of life. This was the gift my cancer gave me. It was painful, incredibly so, but from that pain came the seeds to become the person I was meant to be. It took a while, but the message got through eventually.

It’s both the joy and the pain that gives us true perspective.

PS— After 16 years, I remain a proud survivor, gratefully in remission.