Reflecting on turning 35

It feels like a turning point. There was a time when I would be afraid to think of myself at this age. I had no plans or ambitions, nothing to strive for and nowhere to direct my energy.

It’s hard to describe exactly how lost I have felt for the majority of my life. I think a lot of people can relate. We don’t all have a life plan figured out from the start.

A lot of the “markers” of progress weren’t of interest to me — I’ve never wanted to get married or have kids, or have some intense career that consumes my life. I’ve had a confused relationship with money, to say the least, viewing it simultaneously as despicable and ultimately desirable.

For most of my life, I’ve felt like I was floating with no anchor. I still have moments where I have that feeling, but I can honestly say that it’s no longer true the majority of the time.

So what’s changed?

Time — everything changes with time. The longer you live, the more perspective you gain. The more intensely you live, the faster these changes occur. We don’t all have the constitutions to live deeply intense lives — nor do we have the support systems to maintain living in such a way. I have my moments, but I strive for peace and balance in the majority of my days.

Each day, when I feel unsatisfied, I ask myself, “what’s wrong here?” Is there really something missing, or am I just bored? How much of my chronic dissatisfaction and consumption is linked to living in a time where we experience more information in a day than some people did in their entire lives, back in the “old days”? I think a lot.

Here is where I’m at currently:

I understand the value of money as a means of exchange and the power it has to enable access to pretty much anything. I understand that this power can and has been abused, and I also understand that having a lot of money (being “rich”) does not make you a bad person. Abusing the power of money is the issue, not money itself.

I also understand that living without purpose leaves you feeling like life is just happening to you. I used to think purpose is something you just have, but I’ve learned that it’s something you create. It comes from your experience — what shapes you is what ends up mattering to you. It can change shape and adapt to the person that you are, but it comes from being consciously involved in how you live your life.

I understand, too, that my time is my ultimate resource. Without time, I would not exist in this life. Without time, I would not be able to enjoy anything. We only have the present moment in which we exist — being fully in it is a gift to yourself. When I am present, I feel deep peace, because I’m not striving for anything. Often, that’s all you need to be happy in a given moment.

Lastly, I understand that feeling connected gives us personal value as humans. We are all inherently worthy as human beings, but we don’t always feel that way. Having a strong, or even tenuous connection with something greater than yourself provides the gravitas that anchors your existence in this life. At least, this is true for me. Family, art, community, expression, gardening, rescuing squirrels — it can be anything that matters to you. It’s all a part of the tapestry we weave as we live our lives. The point is to participate, not play it safe.